


Welcome To Hell

by Poptard



Category: XCOM (Video Games) & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alien Character(s), Comedy, Gen, Mini-Fic, No Spoilers, cherub is a sweet little angel, torque is such a sassy devil, whisper is just trying to do his job, xcom chimera squad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23843074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poptard/pseuds/Poptard
Summary: On Earth Day 2040, Whisper reaps what he once sowed.silly little fic to get me back in the XCOM writing mood.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 53





	Welcome To Hell

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

But how could Whisper have known the first step would be a well-intentioned joke?

The day Whisper would later realize he had doomed himself, the Mission Control Officer went to bed with a smile on his face. The moment occurred just a few hours before, as Chimera Squad relocated yet again to what would hopefully be their permanent HQ. 

Whisper was loading in a smaller, fragile case, when Cherub stepped up to the ramp, holding a box so wide it could barely squeeze through the semi truck’s doors. For a moment or two, he was trapped before Cherub realized standing sideways was an option, yet the hybrid apologized like has confessing to murder.

Whisper simply laughed it off, joking, “It’s alright, Cherub. Just feeling a bit _boxed_ in. Heh.”  
  


“But you are free to go? And why are you laughing?”

“It’s... it’s a pun, Cherub. A play on words.”

“What is a ‘pun?’”

So, Whisper took five, sat Cherub down, and went over the concept of homonyms, expectations and subversions, and everything that would thoroughly explain the inherent humor of a good pun. To his then-joy, Cherub proved an eager convert, smiling and laughing and attempting his own in just a few minutes. 

“I see what you mean, with my Hybrid- _eyes_? Ah? Get it? Huh?” 

He looked so damn ecstatic, Whisper laughed along, vowing to teach the young soldier the nuances of timing and context later.

And so, Whisper’s embarked on his unintentional descent into hell. It started slowly, a pun here, another pun there. Cherub would pretend not to hear him approaching, so he could pretend to be surprised and say “he moves like a Whisper!” He would make an ‘X’ from masking tape and leave his radio on top of it, telling the beleaguered support staff that “It’s X-Comm!” When Cherub chided an unimpressed Director Kelly for shamelessly “mugging” him when she offered a coffee, Whisper started to realize something might be wrong, yet _failed_ to act.

When _she_ arrived though, Whisper’s descent became a free-fall.

He never quite knew why Torque hated him so much. He knew Viper actually held most people in contempt, but it wasn’t personal and she usually pretended to tolerate them. Not him, though, and he could only guess why. Sure, he was the Training Center’s comms operator where Torque helped train XCOM rookies, but even then, Director Kelly was her direct superior and they got along fine. Whisper thought he explained gently and sufficiently why Torque needed her cranial control chip removed, how it was deadweight and the process had been refined months ago and wouldn’t change her personality, yet she always insisted this messenger was personally ‘lobotomizing her’ and demanded payback. In his mind, Whisper decided that Torque needed _someone_ to pin her frustrations on for picking the losing side, and unfortunately she chose him.

And Director Kelly personally chose both of them, stuck them in a cramped warehouse, and demanded they either like it or shut up.

Between Whisper and Torque, it was Cherub who suffered the Viper’s attitude the most. He never, ever stopped trying to be everyone’s friend, but Torque was the only agent who actively resisted him. No matter the respect he showed, the gifts he offered on his limited salary, the _legitimately_ funny puns he tried on her, she always put a hand on her hip and rolled her eyes.

Yet, the dismissiveness only made the plucky hybrid try even harder. More free meals. More jokes. 

God, _so many_ puns.

But he couldn’t break the little Cherub’s heart. 

So Whisper grit his teeth, grinned and bore it. Unfortunately, Torque noticed.

He realized the nightmare only months after they settled in, on Earth Day. What was once a minor holiday about ecological preservation, post-Liberation society retooled it into a celebration of everything Earth, second only in observance to Liberation Day. A bit of every holiday into one, and aliens were explicitly invited to better integrate themselves, and Torque explicitly uninvited herself from previous years’ parties.

Yet, here the Viper was, at the Headquarters’ modest celebration, approaching Whisper with a wrapped gift in her four-fingered hands. 

Whisper didn’t like the way she smiled. He was lucky enough to see a genuine Viper smile from the first Viper to join XCOM, back before the war even ended. He never forgot that sight, and Torque’s smile looked nothing like it, barely concealing the sassy venom just behind her lips.

“Torque...” He greeted, putting aside his reservations for a moment. “Didn’t expect to see you here. And with a gift, too. If I recall correctly, you didn’t get me anything last year. Or... the last two years before that.”

“I know, right?” Torque responded cheerfully. “Hope you’re ready for round four!”

Whisper sighed. Bearing a gift to a party and simply refusing to give it to anyone would be a perfectly Torque maneuver, in his mind. Unfortunately, he underestimated her.

“This isn’t for you, ya dingus!” She giggled. “Hey, Cherub!”

“Yes, Torque?”

The Viper waved him over, much to Whisper’s confusion, and she bobbed with such excitement that Cherub failed to notice was as fake as the Elders’ divinity. Torque bluntly asked, “Cherub, remember when I said I hated your puns and that you should shut up forever?”  
  


He tapped his chin in thought. “Yeah, you did tell me that. Many, many times, too.”

“Changed my mind. I love them now. So much...”

Torque turned, locking her eyes with Whispers with an intense, seething disdain. A sense of dread fell over him, as she continued to address Cherub, “... so much that I found this, especially for you!”

“Really? That’s so nice! What is it?”

She never took her eyes off Whisper as Cherub took the package, tore through the wrapping paper, and gasped in excitement. " _The Ultimate Dad’s Pun Book: Over 10,000 Laugh Out Loud Jokes,_ 2014 edition! Torque, this is amazing! Thank you!”

Whisper whispered, “Oh no.” 

Cherub shot forward to hug her, and unlike every other attempt before, the Viper simply accepted it with a grin, but otherwise ignored the cheerful Cherub. A perverse joy lurked behind her eyes as she watched the happiness drain from Whisper’s face, misery quick to fill the void. That smile of hers, _that devilish smile_ , covered the entirety of her alien face. 

The Viper didn’t utter a sound, but her eyes said _See you in Hell, you bastard._

And she did, because Hell just came to Earth.

**Author's Note:**

> having a crazy amount of fun playing XCS, figured I had to start writing something soon because of the mob of angry fans after me. Torque is really fun to command, but Verge is definitely my MVP so far. But I'm especially loving the fun character interactions, which prompted this. 
> 
> oh yeah, haven't mentioned this, but I've got a moderate following from my FF.net XCOM 2 fanfic I wrote a while back. Now that XCOM's coming back, I figured I should finally edit and finish it, then post it here later. I was much less experienced when I started that one, but I'm pretty proud of it. Would anyone read that?


End file.
